part one : 24 April 2005

Beep-beep, beep-beep – text received.  It's Shaun.  Fuck.
As usual, it all starts to stir up inside me again.  I know I'm fucked up.

'how have you been? what are you doing now' the text says.

I decide to be off-hand.  I hate him.  'nothing much' I send back.

I hope he doesn't reply but I'm hoping he does.

Beep-beep, beep-beep.  'do you want to go to stonesy 4 a drink'

I stare at the message blankly.

"No, I want you to wake up, you stupid cunt – Quit fucking around with my head, and don't tell me you don't know how I feel, coz I know you fucking do!"

'sure', I write back, 'meet you in an hour.'

It's pathetic coz I already know how the night will unfold, the same way it always does, and the same way it always will.

And it's ironic, coz it's normally me who's the object of someone's misplaced affection, not the other way around. I've had it happen a dozen times before, where I just want to be a person's friend, a best friend maybe, but nothing more.

But somewhere along the way, they start to see me romantically, and I know that every time we meet, it's going to be awkward. They try to flirt with me ever so subtly, to say what they're feeling, to hope for even the smallest hint of romantic affection in return. But I don't give it, because I don't want to lead them on. I just want to be their friend.

But it's not that simple, for once two people have developed their own respective feelings, they can't go back. Friendship eventually turns to pity, and affection turns to hate. Soon they stop communicating, and the once-valued friendship dies a silent and natural death.

It's sad but it's life, and without knowing sadness, we can't appreciate life.  At least that's what the bible says.

So how did this happen to me? Why was I for once, the fool, the one with the misplaced affection? I didn't ask for it to happen, but it did. I even remember the exact moment, the very first time we met for coffee. You remember the day too.

And it struck me hard because I had only ever felt that vulnerable once before. It wasn't even a physical attraction (ok, apart from the eyes). It was simply that I had found a soul mate, someone to nurture, devote myself to.

But you made it clear from the outset how you felt about my kind, and that's why I never pursued you. Strangely that gave me comfort because I realised it was just a fantasy, a weird school-boy crush, and I knew that I'd never have to face it.

So there you have it, words finally uttered aloud in silence. And in doing so, I acknowledge that I cannot simply be your friend. And you shouldn't want to be mine either. A true friend would not rejoice whenever you broke up with a girlfriend, hoping that you'd see the light. A true friend would be supportive, not villainous as I feel myself to be.

And nor do I wish to end up sad, for that's the only emotion I've known during this "full life" you seem to envy. It's time for me to experience happiness, and one day, I know it will come.

So let's leave it at that Shaun, while we can still both say, "he was my friend", and let our friendship die the silent and natural death that we both know it must.

You are a beautiful person, and I will always care, but forgive me if I only do so from the shadows.