Xavier T : An Accidental Affection, part 1

Part 1 : 2 November 2001

I met Shaun four weeks ago in my new class. Something weird happened that first day; a bond began, and by nightfall I realised that I was developing affections for my new friend. I laughed at the time; I thought it was sweet - stupid but sweet - me a full-grown man of 35 developing a schoolboy crush.

At first I blamed my reaction on the fact that I'm a recluse, but now I realise that this was just a convenient excuse to disguise insanity as logic. The truth of it is that I saw him, we chatted all day about nothing, and my heart fluttered all the way home. I'd developed a serious crush.

I did what all people do in a crisis - I phoned my best friend.
"Is he good-looking?" she asks all excited, "Tell me about him!"
"He's OK", I understate convincingly, deliberately omitting the details of his light brown hair and haunted crystal blue eyes that give him the appearance of a bad-boy Manga character.
"How old is he?" she says, reminding me of my personal rule of not dating anyone under 25.
"I dunno", I shrug, "He's got one of those faces you can't pick - he's probably 28-ish".
Without alarming my thankfully-distant friend, I make a mental note to find out how old Shaun really is. After all, he did wear his baseball cap backwards, and that's not a good sign. I start to have doubts and find myself unable to focus on my friend's chatter. I get off the phone and talk to my daughter about stuff in general. I mention Shaun in passing. She asks me how old he is. I groan and make a mental note to stop talking to Geminis about my love life.

The next afternoon, I offer Shaun a lift home. He accepts, and we chew the fat during the short drive to his place. He mentions his girlfriend, and I realise he's definitely straight. That's OK, I figure, coz I really don't want to be with a guy whose already done the rounds of gay-world. Anyway, somehow I manage to bring ages into the discussion, and then he drops the bombshell.
"I'm nineteen", he says, "Twenty next month".
"Fuck", I mouth soundlessly. I'm left in absolute shock - the guy seemed so mature. I mutter something about me turning 36 next month, then make a joke about having a son who's two weeks older than Shaun. I then make the connection that all three of us are Scorpios. More chatter ensues, but throughout the rest of the drive, I'm left dwelling on how young Shaun is.

I dropped him off, and during the short trip from his place to mine, I found a sense of inner cleansing - the crush was gone as though it had never existed, and maturity and sense had prevailed. The next day, we chatted a bit more before class and I was so proud of myself - all the fire had fizzled. Yes, I could admit to myself that I was still attracted to him, and we were definitely comfortable around each other, but the embers I'd secretly nurtured had died away to ash. It had all worked out wonderfully, and we were destined to become good friends with no romantic or sexual strings attached.

And so time went by. A week or so later, I see Shaun sitting up the back of the classroom looking faraway and a little sad. I say Gidday, and he unexpectedly tells me about his girlfriend's health problems. I understand some of the crap she's going through, so I do the honourable thing and tell him that I'm here if she wants to talk or if he just wants to unload over coffee. He looks at me in a kinda funny-shy-mysterious way then thanks me politely. I don't know what it was about that moment, but I saw enough of his inner mind to realise that he had secrets - sad or angry secrets. It was as though a new part of Shaun had revealed itself. But above all else, I remember my sense of neutrality - his mysteriousness hadn't rekindled the romantic fires in the least. I walked away feeling ten feet tall because his God-given charm hadn't touched me.

And so life went on. I focused on study and the thousand or so other distractions that constitute my daily routine. I still saw Shaun every day. Sometimes we'd sit together, and other times we'd hang with other people. It was just like I'd predicted - my crush had vanished and now we were good friends. Yes, denial is wonderful, isn't it?

Picture the scene: we're having a fifteen minute break between classes - there's a dozen or so of us sitting outside in the sun, discussing the world at large. Shaun's sitting with the few smokers in our class, and I'm sitting with the others about ten feet away. Somehow, I sense him looking at me - a couple of times I felt the sensation until finally I turned to see him. He shrugs from afar.
"Are you free this arvo?" he mutters self-consciously, "Would you like to grab a coffee?"
"Sure", I reply casually, as though I'm ordinarily a social magnet and the question was commonplace.
He just nods cutely. Now throughout all this, I knew damn well that he just wanted to talk about the crap his girlfriend was going through, and I was cool with that. Just friend's, remember? Anyway, it was just an invitation to coffee, right?

Yeah, well all this makes sense in hindsight, but at the time, I couldn't wait. My guts were churning - I wanted to know him better, and I felt everything returning with full force. The next hour and a half took forever, and finally the moment came. He's waiting outside the classroom for me, looking all self-conscious and shuffling from foot to foot. It felt like I was going out on a date, and I swear I'm not romanticising the moment at all.
"Lead the way", I suggest with an air of ease I didn't feel.
We go across the road to a cafe-slash-pub that he frequents. We order coffees and I wait for him to talk. He doesn't. I decide to drop the facade a bit.
"I never do this", I offer, "Going out, socialising - I'm pretty reclusive".
He grins privately.
"So am I. This is a first".
What I should have asked at this point is "Why me? Why are you asking me out for coffee?", but I never did. I still haven't.

"So how's your world?" I prompt.
"Pretty crap", he answers, then slowly begins to open up.
Over the next few hours, he starts to share all this stuff he's bottled up for years. Yeah, some of it was about his girl, but a fucking truckload of it wasn't. I won't list the stuff he said, coz this is supposed to be fantasy fiction, and anyway I wouldn't betray Shaun's trust. But what I will say, is that I've never met another person more like myself - same experiences, same fears, same secrets, and same sense of helplessness and loneliness. Even in his fledgling relationship, he's lonely. He didn't say it - I heard it.
"Who else have you shared all this with?"
"No-one", he murmured timidly, "I haven't trusted anyone until I met you".
"I'm so honoured", I barely manage to say, my heart almost bursting with emotion.
He gives me that cute nod again, and I offer a genuine smile.
"You're amazing Shaun - really, I can't believe we've been brought together. And I can't believe how many commons we have".
I brush his outstretched hand in friendship and he seems to like the gesture.
"I've been thinking the same thing", he says with a smile, "I'm really glad we met".
His crystal blue eyes were filled with moisture for the two hours we talked and it hurt me so much to see how accustomed he was to holding his tears at bay. After our long talk (which neither one of us wanted to end), I was aware that something had changed in both of us. I needed to hold him, and I knew he wanted to be held. I wanted to look after him, and I knew he would've let me. He had allowed himself to be vulnerable for the first time in his life, and he'd bestowed me with an enormous level of trust. I wanted to tell him how truly special he is, and how much I'd love to make him happy.

Eventually we parted company. I patted Shaun's shoulder in a brotherly fashion as we went our separate ways, and he looked at me as though he'd expected more by way of farewell. I looked at him for perhaps another second, then went home and started writing and thinking and crying. I rang my friend again to tell her what had happened. She finally managed to make me say that I'm in love. I've wanted to tell him ever since, but I can't. The next day, we went to lunch with a group of classmates, and we sat together side-by-side and happily isolated from the group discussion. The day after that, he asked me over to his place to meet his girl. I went along, and I'm still not sure if I regret the move or not. He's asked me over again since then, but I've declined - I told him that I'd go out with him on his own but that was it.
"I like you Shaun - I really like you a lot. Please understand".
Another cute nod and smile.
"I do", he says, and I knew he wasn't lying.

And so it's true, I'm in love - I never thought it would happen again, but it has. I'm smiling all the time except late at night when I cry coz I can't tell him how I feel, but generally I'm going pretty well. One day I'll tell Shaun the truth, but not until he's sorted his life out for himself. That might take a week to solve, but more likely six months or a year. I won't interfere but I want to be there to see how he evolves, whether that evolution is one where he's happy with his current lot and I continue to be his friend, or whether its one in which I play a romantic part.

And as for the age difference, if he doesn't care, then why should I? Fuck society and the crazy little rules we make. Anyway, the irony is laughable. If society truly functioned as it should, if it had protected Shaun and I throughout our formative years, then maybe we wouldn't have clicked as well as we did. Go figure.



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COLLECTIVE WORKS


Part 1 : 2 November 2001 I met Shaun four weeks ago in my new class. Something weird happened that first day; a bond began, and by nightfall I realised that I was developing affections for my new friend. I laughed at the time; I thought it was sweet - stupid but sweet - me a full-grown man of 35 developing a schoolboy crush. At first I blamed my reaction on the fact that I'm a recluse, but now I realise that this was just a convenient excuse to disguise insanity as logic. The truth of it is that I saw him, we chatted all day about nothing, and my heart fluttered all the way home. I'd developed a serious crush. I did what all people do in a crisis - I phoned my best friend. "Is he good-looking?" she asks all excited, "Tell me about him!" "He's OK", I understate convincingly, deliberately omitting the details of his light brown hair and haunted crystal blue eyes that give him the appearance of a bad-boy Manga character. "How old is he?" she says, reminding me of my personal rule of not dating anyone under 25. "I dunno", I shrug, "He's got one of those faces you can't pick - he's probably 28-ish". Without alarming my thankfully-distant friend, I make a mental note to find out how old Shaun really is. After all, he did wear his baseball cap backwards, and that's not a good sign. I start to have doubts and find myself unable to focus on my friend's chatter. I get off the phone and talk to my daughter about stuff in general. I mention Shaun in passing. She asks me how old he is. I groan and make a mental note to stop talking to Geminis about my love life. The next afternoon, I offer Shaun a lift home. He accepts, and we chew the fat during the short drive to his place. He mentions his girlfriend, and I realise he's definitely straight. That's OK, I figure, coz I really don't want to be with a guy whose already done the rounds of gay-world. Anyway, somehow I manage to bring ages into the discussion, and then he drops the bombshell. "I'm nineteen", he says, "Twenty next month". "Fuck", I mouth soundlessly. I'm left in absolute shock - the guy seemed so mature. I mutter something about me turning 36 next month, then make a joke about having a son who's two weeks older than Shaun. I then make the connection that all three of us are Scorpios. More chatter ensues, but throughout the rest of the drive, I'm left dwelling on how young Shaun is. I dropped him off, and during the short trip from his place to mine, I found a sense of inner cleansing - the crush was gone as though it had never existed, and maturity and sense had prevailed. The next day, we chatted a bit more before class and I was so proud of myself - all the fire had fizzled. Yes, I could admit to myself that I was still attracted to him, and we were definitely comfortable around each other, but the embers I'd secretly nurtured had died away to ash. It had all worked out wonderfully, and we were destined to become good friends with no romantic or sexual strings attached. And so time went by. A week or so later, I see Shaun sitting up the back of the classroom looking faraway and a little sad. I say Gidday, and he unexpectedly tells me about his girlfriend's health problems. I understand some of the crap she's going through, so I do the honourable thing and tell him that I'm here if she wants to talk or if he just wants to unload over coffee. He looks at me in a kinda funny-shy-mysterious way then thanks me politely. I don't know what it was about that moment, but I saw enough of his inner mind to realise that he had secrets - sad or angry secrets. It was as though a new part of Shaun had revealed itself. But above all else, I remember my sense of neutrality - his mysteriousness hadn't rekindled the romantic fires in the least. I walked away feeling ten feet tall because his God-given charm hadn't touched me. And so life went on. I focused on study and the thousand or so other distractions that constitute my daily routine. I still saw Shaun every day. Sometimes we'd sit together, and other times we'd hang with other people. It was just like I'd predicted - my crush had vanished and now we were good friends. Yes, denial is wonderful, isn't it? Picture the scene: we're having a fifteen minute break between classes - there's a dozen or so of us sitting outside in the sun, discussing the world at large. Shaun's sitting with the few smokers in our class, and I'm sitting with the others about ten feet away. Somehow, I sense him looking at me - a couple of times I felt the sensation until finally I turned to see him. He shrugs from afar. "Are you free this arvo?" he mutters self-consciously, "Would you like to grab a coffee?" "Sure", I reply casually, as though I'm ordinarily a social magnet and the question was commonplace. He just nods cutely. Now throughout all this, I knew damn well that he just wanted to talk about the crap his girlfriend was going through, and I was cool with that. Just friend's, remember? Anyway, it was just an invitation to coffee, right? Yeah, well all this makes sense in hindsight, but at the time, I couldn't wait. My guts were churning - I wanted to know him better, and I felt everything returning with full force. The next hour and a half took forever, and finally the moment came. He's waiting outside the classroom for me, looking all self-conscious and shuffling from foot to foot. It felt like I was going out on a date, and I swear I'm not romanticising the moment at all. "Lead the way", I suggest with an air of ease I didn't feel. We go across the road to a cafe-slash-pub that he frequents. We order coffees and I wait for him to talk. He doesn't. I decide to drop the facade a bit. "I never do this", I offer, "Going out, socialising - I'm pretty reclusive". He grins privately. "So am I. This is a first". What I should have asked at this point is "Why me? Why are you asking me out for coffee?", but I never did. I still haven't. "So how's your world?" I prompt. "Pretty crap", he answers, then slowly begins to open up. Over the next few hours, he starts to share all this stuff he's bottled up for years. Yeah, some of it was about his girl, but a fucking truckload of it wasn't. I won't list the stuff he said, coz this is supposed to be fantasy fiction, and anyway I wouldn't betray Shaun's trust. But what I will say, is that I've never met another person more like myself - same experiences, same fears, same secrets, and same sense of helplessness and loneliness. Even in his fledgling relationship, he's lonely. He didn't say it - I heard it. "Who else have you shared all this with?" "No-one", he murmured timidly, "I haven't trusted anyone until I met you". "I'm so honoured", I barely manage to say, my heart almost bursting with emotion. He gives me that cute nod again, and I offer a genuine smile. "You're amazing Shaun - really, I can't believe we've been brought together. And I can't believe how many commons we have". I brush his outstretched hand in friendship and he seems to like the gesture. "I've been thinking the same thing", he says with a smile, "I'm really glad we met". His crystal blue eyes were filled with moisture for the two hours we talked and it hurt me so much to see how accustomed he was to holding his tears at bay. After our long talk (which neither one of us wanted to end), I was aware that something had changed in both of us. I needed to hold him, and I knew he wanted to be held. I wanted to look after him, and I knew he would've let me. He had allowed himself to be vulnerable for the first time in his life, and he'd bestowed me with an enormous level of trust. I wanted to tell him how truly special he is, and how much I'd love to make him happy. Eventually we parted company. I patted Shaun's shoulder in a brotherly fashion as we went our separate ways, and he looked at me as though he'd expected more by way of farewell. I looked at him for perhaps another second, then went home and started writing and thinking and crying. I rang my friend again to tell her what had happened. She finally managed to make me say that I'm in love. I've wanted to tell him ever since, but I can't. The next day, we went to lunch with a group of classmates, and we sat together side-by-side and happily isolated from the group discussion. The day after that, he asked me over to his place to meet his girl. I went along, and I'm still not sure if I regret the move or not. He's asked me over again since then, but I've declined - I told him that I'd go out with him on his own but that was it. "I like you Shaun - I really like you a lot. Please understand". Another cute nod and smile. "I do", he says, and I knew he wasn't lying. And so it's true, I'm in love - I never thought it would happen again, but it has. I'm smiling all the time except late at night when I cry coz I can't tell him how I feel, but generally I'm going pretty well. One day I'll tell Shaun the truth, but not until he's sorted his life out for himself. That might take a week to solve, but more likely six months or a year. I won't interfere but I want to be there to see how he evolves, whether that evolution is one where he's happy with his current lot and I continue to be his friend, or whether its one in which I play a romantic part. And as for the age difference, if he doesn't care, then why should I? Fuck society and the crazy little rules we make. Anyway, the irony is laughable. If society truly functioned as it should, if it had protected Shaun and I throughout our formative years, then maybe we wouldn't have clicked as well as we did. Go figure.

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