Xavier T : Baby Seals and Hard Drives

4 January 2007

Bloody Kyle rings me at 10 o'clock last night with fucking computer problems - every night for 2 weeks now.

He bought a new computer and brought it down for me to set up. I made it totally fucking idiot proof, but Kyle redefines the term 'idiot'.

** AND THEN LAST NIGHT THE WANKER RINGS AGAIN. HE IS SOOOOOO LUCKY I'VE GOT A THING FOR HIM **
"Andrew, I clicked on a warning on the screen that said I have to download a Microsoft update and now my computer has frozen up."
"What did the update say?" I ask.
"It said 'You must download now or everyone will be able to see your personal information and the websites you have visited'."

He then informs me, "The warning ended with '... if you do not download now, this may affect your career and marriage'."

I close my eyes and groan heavily, but before I even get the strength to mumble 'you stupid fucking dickhead', he says to me all serious, "This is the part I don't get - I mean their information is obviously out of date, but how did they know I used to be married?"

** AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH. **

I skull a mouthful of vodka straight from the bottle coz I know I'm gonna need it.
"Ok Kyle, let's start at the beginning, what was the download called?"
"Oh I remember that - it's called Driveclear."

** PLEASE GOD - KILL ME NOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW. MORE VODKA. **

I ask calmly, "Didn't the name of the file make you think for just a second about what it might be?"
"Yes, I thought it would do what it said - clear my personal information so no-one could read it ... hence saving careers, marriages and so on."

NO YOU STUPID BASTARD - IT WILL CLEAR OUT YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING HARD DRIVE!
DRIVECLEAR - IT'S NOT FUCKING ROCKET SCIENCE!

He goes sulky and I feel guilty for the whole stupid bastard comment. Another swig. I roll a joint out of dregs beyond their use by date. Inhale. Exhale. Vaguely remember that he's still on the phone. I recall how he used to be so hot once, but now he's kind of ... muttony. Says a man of 41. Still, he has a very cute arse in jeans - ultra cute in fact. I used to watch him walking up the stairs and fantasise. Just a few weeks back actually. I grope him sometimes and he flirts back. He gives me a back rub and I love the touch of his hands. OK I still want to fuck him, at least after a stale joint and half a bottle of vodka. Hmm, horny now. Resist the obvious urge. Closet case starts whinging down the telephone line again, tearing my mind mercilessly back to the present. Fucker.

"OK pumpkin," I slur, "Right click Norton's etc etc."

Ten minutes pass in silence while Norton's hunts down the virus like a baby harp seal then clubs it death with a thud, sprawling its mutilated carcass all over Kyle's screen. It's over - Thank God. We breath a collective post-coital sigh. Horny again. I remind him that he's a dickhead.

He says, "But it wasn't my fault. You told me to download any Microsoft updates and the window came up saying it was from Microsoft and I thought it was a Microsoft update."
I ask, "Did it say Microsoft update?"
He says, "No it said Microsoft Internet Explorer."
"That was the name of the program you were using DICKHEAD!!!!"
"Oh."

** CRACK OPEN A BOTTLE OF BRANDY AS THE VODKA IS CLEARLY FAULTY **

I then ask him what uber-dodgy site he went to that made the download screen pop up. Predictably, he said "nowhere."

In the end, it turns out that he was one of the 800 trillion single-brain-cell life-forms on this planet moronic enough to click on a popup window (a feature which I had previously disabled) giving him $200 playing chips at on online casino for free if he 'just clicks on this link'.

He then grumbles, "Well why didn't Norton's stop it from downloading - I spent all this money on Norton's Internet Security and it didn't do anything."

I grumble back, "If Norton's was dumbed down any more than it already is to accommodate the unbelievable stupidity of most computer users, it would be either a) a festering goldfish turd, or b) a member of the Young Liberal Party."
** GOD FUCKING HELP ME - THERE SHOULD BE A LAW AGAINST STUPID FUCKING WANKERS TOUCHING KEYBOARDS! WHY GOD? WHY DO YOU INFLICT ME WITH FUCKWITS FOR FRIENDS? **

"I'm sorry," he says all apologetic and coy, "I know I give you the shits sometimes."
I melt.
"It's OK Babe, I don't mind."
"I know," he says, "Love you."
"You too. Sweet dreams."
Fucker.



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4 January 2007 Bloody Kyle rings me at 10 o'clock last night with fucking computer problems - every night for 2 weeks now. He bought a new computer and brought it down for me to set up. I made it totally fucking idiot proof, but Kyle redefines the term 'idiot'. AND THEN LAST NIGHT THE WANKER RINGS AGAIN. HE IS SOOOOOO LUCKY I'VE GOT A THING FOR HIM "Andrew, I clicked on a warning on the screen that said I have to download a Microsoft update and now my computer has frozen up." "What did the update say?" I ask. "It said 'You must download now or everyone will be able to see your personal information and the websites you have visited'." He then informs me, "The warning ended with '... if you do not download now, this may affect your career and marriage'." I close my eyes and groan heavily, but before I even get the strength to mumble 'you stupid fucking dickhead', he says to me all serious, "This is the part I don't get - I mean their information is obviously out of date, but how did they know I used to be married?" AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH. I skull a mouthful of vodka straight from the bottle coz I know I'm gonna need it. "Ok Kyle, let's start at the beginning, what was the download called?" "Oh I remember that - it's called Driveclear." PLEASE GOD - KILL ME NOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW. MORE VODKA. I ask calmly, "Didn't the name of the file make you think for just a second about what it might be?" "Yes, I thought it would do what it said - clear my personal information so no-one could read it ... hence saving careers, marriages and so on." NO YOU STUPID BASTARD - IT WILL CLEAR OUT YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING HARD DRIVE! DRIVECLEAR - IT'S NOT FUCKING ROCKET SCIENCE! He goes sulky and I feel guilty for the whole stupid bastard comment. Another swig. I roll a joint out of dregs beyond their use by date. Inhale. Exhale. Vaguely remember that he's still on the phone. I recall how he used to be so hot once, but now he's kind of ... muttony. Says a man of 41. Still, he has a very cute arse in jeans - ultra cute in fact. I used to watch him walking up the stairs and fantasise. Just a few weeks back actually. I grope him sometimes and he flirts back. He gives me a back rub and I love the touch of his hands. OK I still want to fuck him, at least after a stale joint and half a bottle of vodka. Hmm, horny now. Resist the obvious urge. Closet case starts whinging down the telephone line again, tearing my mind mercilessly back to the present. Fucker. "OK pumpkin," I slur, "Right click Norton's etc etc." Ten minutes pass in silence while Norton's hunts down the virus like a baby harp seal then clubs it death with a thud, sprawling its mutilated carcass all over Kyle's screen. It's over - Thank God. We breath a collective post-coital sigh. Horny again. I remind him that he's a dickhead. He says, "But it wasn't my fault. You told me to download any Microsoft updates and the window came up saying it was from Microsoft and I thought it was a Microsoft update." I ask, "Did it say Microsoft update?" He says, "No it said Microsoft Internet Explorer." "That was the name of the program you were using DICKHEAD!!!!" "Oh." CRACK OPEN A BOTTLE OF BRANDY AS THE VODKA IS CLEARLY FAULTY I then ask him what uber-dodgy site he went to that made the download screen pop up. Predictably, he said "nowhere." In the end, it turns out that he was one of the 800 trillion single-brain-cell life-forms on this planet moronic enough to click on a popup window (a feature which I had previously disabled) giving him $200 playing chips at on online casino for free if he 'just clicks on this link'. He then grumbles, "Well why didn't Norton's stop it from downloading - I spent all this money on Norton's Internet Security and it didn't do anything." I grumble back, "If Norton's was dumbed down any more than it already is to accommodate the unbelievable stupidity of most computer users, it would be either a) a festering goldfish turd, or b) a member of the Young Liberal Party." GOD FUCKING HELP ME - THERE SHOULD BE A LAW AGAINST STUPID FUCKING WANKERS TOUCHING KEYBOARDS! WHY GOD? WHY DO YOU INFLICT ME WITH FUCKWITS FOR FRIENDS? "I'm sorry," he says all apologetic and coy, "I know I give you the shits sometimes." I melt. "It's OK Babe, I don't mind." "I know," he says, "Love you." "You too. Sweet dreams." Fucker.

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